The Independent Woman’s Dilemma: Wanting Help, Hating to Ask
There’s a unique exhaustion that comes with being an independent woman. You’re capable, reliable, and always five steps ahead - but somehow, that means people assume you don’t need help. And when you finally do ask? You are already exhausted and overwhelmed and at your wits end. And the person you ask may take 24 hours to do something you wanted done in 24 minutes. So, you just do it yourself. Again. And now you’re not only overwhelmed but resentful too.
Sound familiar?
The Independence Trap
The paradox of being highly competent is that people think you are exactly that. Highly competent. And that means they assume you have it all handled. Over time, your ability to manage everything becomes silent approval - you take care of things, and they assume that’s just how it is. But the real issue isn’t just that others take you for granted; it’s that asking for help feels pointless (or worse, disappointing).
Here’s how the cycle may work:
You’re used to handling things on your own so you don’t often “need” help.
When you do ask for help, people take too long or don’t do it the way you want.
You decide it’s easier to do it yourself.
Others continue assuming you don’t need support since you did it yourself, already.
Resentment builds and you ask less.
You begin to feel burned out because it’s becoming too much.
Your friends/family don’t understand what your problem is.
And the worst part? The more you do, the more people assume you want to do it all!
The challenge that a highly competent person will face is that when we have the “know-how” to handle something, we have a hard time letting it get done by others because we are wary it won’t be done in the time and efficiency we believe we could handle it. And we know it may mean not having enough sleep but we, technically, can get it all done. But here is where the resentment comes in…
The Waiting Game: Why It Feels So Hard
Here’s the hard truth - just because something is urgent for you doesn’t mean it’s urgent for others. It doesn’t mean your priorities don’t matter. It simply means that we each have responsibilities and priorities that are at the forefront of our thoughts. Remember, not sharing your priority doesn’t mean your loved ones don’t care; it just means they have different priorities. And let’s be honest, you probably complete tasks efficiently (and dare I say, at a superhuman speed?), which sometimes makes it even harder to tolerate waiting for others to catch up to what you are thinking about how to handle this priority, let alone doing the task itself.
But here’s the thing: if you want people to help, you have to let them. That means recognizing someone will do it in the time they are able to. And that means resisting the urge to swoop in and fix it just because they don’t complete it on your timeline. I once had a friend who offered to help me hang pictures on my wall. I am shamelessly the person who will “eyeball” the picture hanging and hope for the best. 90% of the time that works for me! A friend recently offered to help me hang my photos and I agreed. I appreciated the desire to assist and I did have a lot of tasks that were pending so I welcomed some help to take things off my list. For the record, the project took 5 times as long since they wanted to measure, use levels, measure again, and pause between each photo to ensure they were satisfied with the work. Not wrong! Just different. (The finished project looks lovely - see photo at the top of this post!).
We have choices. We are able to accept what others are able to give us and appreciate the efforts (good or bad) or we can continue to handle it all ourselves, get tired, and slowly grow resentful of all of those who care about us. In my story above, I could have easily grown impatient with my friend who took 3 hours (rather than 30 minutes) to hang all of the pictures. But what would that have accomplished besides alienating my friend and increasing my irritation with how they handled the task? Instead, I chose to let them do it the way they wanted to and used the time to chat, and laugh, and force myself to unwind. It was not the way I expected the time (or the task) to go but it was rewarding, nonetheless!
So if you are willing to recognize that sometimes it won’t be done the way you do it, but want to learn to be open to the assistance of others, here are some tips you can try to be more receptive to receiving help and accepting the type of help that others can provide.
The Art of the Ask: Communicating Your Needs Clearly
One of the biggest struggles independent women face isn’t just asking for help; it’s asking in a way that actually gets results. Here’s how to do it effectively:
1. Be Direct About Your Timing
DONT - “Can you help me with this?” → (Too vague, invites delay)
DO - “Hey, I need this done in the next 30 minutes—can you make that happen?” → (Clear, sets expectations)
2. Provide Context to Increase Buy-In
People prioritize things that feel important. Instead of just saying “Can you do this now?”, add a reason:
“I need this done ASAP because I have a deadline and this is the last piece.”
“This is time-sensitive because I have other steps depending on it.”
“I’m asking you because I trust you with this, and I really need it done right.”
3. Respecting Boundaries: When People Just Can’t
Sometimes, people genuinely can’t help in the moment you want them to—and that’s okay. If they communicate a valid reason, it’s important to respect their boundaries rather than assume they don’t care. Instead of frustration, try asking yourself:
Is this a one-time issue, or a pattern?
Can I adjust my expectations, or do I need to ask someone else?
4. Recognizing Red Flags: When People Just Won’t
But what if it’s worse than that? What if you call from the hospital, and they tell you they’re too busy watching TV? That’s not about timing—it’s about priorities. If someone consistently deprioritizes your needs, it’s time to ask:
Do I feel valued in this relationship?
Is this someone I can trust with my vulnerability?
Am I always showing up for them in ways they don’t for me?
Your ability to do it all doesn’t mean you should. And it certainly doesn’t mean others should assume you will.
The Path Forward: Learning to Let Go & Lean In
Breaking the cycle of exhausting independence isn’t about becoming dependent—it’s about allowing space for support. Here’s how you can start:
Give people the chance to help, even if they do it differently (or slower) than you.
Communicate clearly, setting expectations upfront instead of assuming they should just “know.”
Pay attention to who actually shows up, and invest in reciprocal relationships.
Be honest about what you need - because you deserve support, too.
Ready to Unpack This?
If you’re struggling with feeling overwhelmed, unseen, or unsupported, let’s talk. Learning to balance strength with vulnerability isn’t easy, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. Reach out, and let’s work through it together.